Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day. A day that means so much to me. I know this day is hard for many, and not everyone feels warm and fuzzy feelings about it. And that is ok. For me, though, Mother’s Day is a day of celebration & reflection on the many amazing mother’s in my life (My Mom, Bonus Mom, Mother In-law, my Grandmothers, my sisters, sister in laws, friends, and mentors), as well as my own journey as a mother. I’m 100% certain becoming a mother saved my life. When my first child was conceived, I was a complete disaster of a person. My life revolved around partying and I was not a fan of being sober. I’d only been dating my then boyfriend (now husband) for a year. I was on birth control because I knew I didn’t want (and shouldn’t) have kids at that point. I worked and supported myself, and was in college, but if I wasn’t in class or working I was out partying. I made horrible choices and was a danger to myself and others. I should’ve been arrested so many times, but I was young, white, and pretty, and those privileges are 100% why I don’t have a criminal record. I sometimes get physically sick thinking about some of the horrible things I did and how lucky I was that I wasn’t killed doing them.
Everything changed on January 3rd, 2006, the day I peed on seven pregnancy sticks and they all said “positive”. I wanted nothing more than to be the best I could be for the baby I was growing. Of course I was terrified as shit but I felt like I had a purpose for the first time in my life. I finally felt like I was worth something. I had zero desire to go out anymore. I spent all of my time researching everything related to pregnancy, labor, birth, newborns, breastfeeding & how to be a good mom. I also was determined to actually do well in my college classes and not just do the bare minimum to get by. I had motivation to make myself a better person. I didn’t want to be a college drop out, I wanted to succeed. I wanted my child to see that I could do hard things, and so could she.
My first prenatal appointment was at an OB practice that also had midwives. The office had all new patients see one of their midwives for their first visit. I had no clue what a midwife was at the time. I vividly remember sitting in the office looking at the anatomical posters of pregnant people and the 3D model of a uterus with an early pregnancy and anxiously answering questions the midwife asked. I remember feeling so embarrassed and nervous that the midwife would treat me like shit because I was young and pregnant and thought she would somehow know my life was a mess and I wasn’t fit to be anyone’s mother. She didn’t. She made me feel like I was someone who was capable of carrying and raising a child, someone capable of being a Mother. And that stuck with me. By the end of our visit I had decided this was it. I knew what I wanted to be “when I grew up”. A midwife. My unplanned pregnancy with a guy I had been dating merely a year ( who also lived in another state) caused the most epic series of serendipitous events.
Becoming a Mother is the luckiest thing that has ever happened to me, it saved me from myself and helped be become the best version of myself. Motherhood pushed me to learn how to not be selfish, taught me how to have empathy, made me learn patience, and how to love unconditionally. I would have never felt smart enough or empowered enough to be a midwife, if not for becoming a mother first. As a midwife, I have been able to support so many other people on their own mothering/parenting journeys. The impact motherhood has had on my life is truly remarkable. For all of this, I am so grateful.
